Failed Policies of the Past
Definition: Limited government, free markets,
personal responsibility, liberty.
We Are All In This Together
Definition: For the love of God who do we tax back
to the stone-age to get out of this!?
Social Darwinism
Definition: Essentially a darling concept of the
progressive left of the first half of the 20th century (along with eugenics its
even more vile cousin). It now is defined as "any attempt by conservatives and
libertarians to rein in the unsustainable spending of out of control
government."
Fairness
Definition: A word used to motivate making sure
outcomes do not match abilities or effort. Note, pre-1970 it meant roughly the
opposite.
Social Justice
Definition: Redistribution based on group
affiliation, regardless of anything the actual individuals in question did, or
even their specific ancestors did, but instead based on the actions of other
individuals in the past who just kind of looked vaguely like those in the
relevant groups being discussed now, both victim and oppressor. Also applies to
redistribution of any kind, whether based on actual unfairness, or on simply
outcomes liberals do not like.
Alternative definition: Unspecific. Just a
meaningless phrase that screams “I am liberal and this phrase sounds liberal and
nice with just a hint of revolutionary sexiness.”
Antonym: Justice (which, even if it must be
applied broadly to address real group-wide wrongs, is always and everywhere an
individual notion)
The Phrase “Deny Access to…”
Used in a sentence: “It is unfair to deny access
to healthcare to 26 year olds living off their parents.”
Definition: When a person isn’t given something
they want for free, and they have not found a way to steal it yet, they have
been “denied access” to it. In general it is the “1%” that “denies access.” See
“1%” below.
Entitlement
Definition: Something provided by other men and
women’s labor that some claim as their right, sometimes claiming to have paid
for it during their lifetime, when all forms of modern mathematics and
accounting reject that notion.
Rights
Used in a sentence: “I have a right to
healthcare.”
Definition: A more extreme form of “entitlement”
defined above. Note that modern usage throws out the long tradition of natural
rights only of a negative nature, that is, the right not to have something done
to you, for rights of a positive nature, that is, the right to certain goods and
services, like health care, Apple products, and soy milk. Since, no matter how
important these items are, these modern positive rights must still be produced
and taken from others, essentially the word “rights” now often stands for a
system of slavery and theft.
Main Street
Definition: A place liberals used to ridicule as
Mayberry but now pretend to love.
Regular Americans
Definition: People who support me.
Special Interests
Definition: People who support you.
Fat Cat
Definition: Something a politicians calls someone
with 3x more money than the median voter who supported the politician in
question.
Alternative Definition: Someone the same exact
politician hits up for cash.
The 1%
Definition: Those who pay more than 1/3 the total
federal income tax and are never thanked for it. More generally, they are
responsible for all evil in the world today (unless they work in Hollywood or
hi-tech in which case they are “honorary 99%-ers” regardless of income, tax
rate, and lifestyle).
Middle-Class
Definition: A focus-group tested better word than
“the poor” for progressives to use to advance their statist schemes. Some
speeches by progressives now consist of just saying it over and over again in
different hypnotic musical tones.
Income Inequality
Definition: What occurs when a free and productive
economy includes people with different abilities, work habits, and, of course,
luck. Also, one of the main reasons anyone actually works at anything.
A Fair Tax System
Definition: One in which the “rich” (i.e., those
making more than the speaker of these words, or those voting for the speaker)
pay 50% more than they currently pay, and the speaker and his constituents get
to pay 50% less than they currently pay. These figures remain unchanged despite
any starting tax rates. If this change pushes the “rich” to over 100% or the
non-rich to below 0% more the fairer.
Julia
Definition: The person living the ideal
progressive life where no responsibility is taken, no risk is taken, the
government perks are endless, you never see who pays for it, and the tyrannical
hand of big-brother never makes it into the cartoon narrative.
Synonym: Sheep Antonym: Men
Citizens United
Definition: The ultimate evil Supreme Court
decision (narrowly defeating Dred Scott) which expanded free speech, thus
allowing those with money to, uh, speak freely.
SCOTUS
Definition: A delicious breakfast treat that goes
well with English Breakfast tea and clotted crème. Conservatives prefer theirs
in the traditional 9 pack, liberals enjoy up to 15.
Elizabeth Warren
Definition: An “Elizabeth Warren” is any brilliant
scholar who both thinks we can fix the U.S. financial system simply by adding
another giant bureaucracy with near unlimited power, and who can, by dancing
vigorously in a circle, make it rain. Both equally as likely.
The IMF and/or the World Bank
Definition: Nobody knows. See SMERSH and CHAOS for
similar definitions.
The European Financial Crisis
Definition: A complex multi-year dance whose sole
purpose is to see how much money can be shaken out of the German
middle-class.
Universal Health Care
Definition: The system formerly known as single
payer.
Single payer Health Care
Definition: The system formerly known as
socialized medicine.
Socialized Medicine
Definition: Something Democrats claim they don’t
want, as they simply want Universal Health Care.
Nobel Peace Prize
Definition: A prize awarded to the left’s favorite
person that year.
Antonym: Any prize having anything to do with
actual Peace, or frankly accomplishment of any kind.
Stimulus
Definition: Taking money from current and future
Americans to undertake projects that didn’t make sense before, don’t make sense
now, will net cost jobs as the stimulus must be paid for privately, but since
the job losses will be hidden, and the direct hires put on the evening news,
might let those in charge keep their cushy jobs a bit longer.
World War II
Definition: Mainly important as proof that
Keynesian stimulus works (side note: also led to defeat of Nazis and Imperial
Japan). Since it is the only such “proof” ever, and we all have nuclear weapons
now, different options are being considered for future stimuli. Actually, since
World War II ending did not crash the economy as Keynesians predicted at the
time, frankly we’re rethinking the whole thing.
Cash for Clunkers
Definition: What we came up to replace World War
II as stimulus. Many perfectly good cars destroyed, no Nazis defeated.
Quantitative Easing
Definition: The act of printing pieces of paper to
purchase other pieces of paper and thinking it matters at all for anything. See
“dogs chasing cars” for related examples.
Austerity
Definition: Spending much more than ever before
but slightly less than you had once thought you might spend which itself was a
completely insane amount to spend.
Synonym: Profligacy
Paul Ryan
Definition: A “Paul Ryan” is a Hollywood monster
which kills and devours old people simply by showing them a preliminary
reasonable plan to grow spending slower than we currently are, while keeping any
obligations already made to the elderly.
Grand Bargain
Definition: An agreement to raise taxes now while tacitly agreeing to waive the corresponding spending cuts later. Usually done in at least a 10:1 ratio as waiving 10x the future cuts is a particularly effective amount of waiving.
Reform
Definition: To make something (e.g., government)
bigger, more intrusive, less efficient, and more dictatorial.
Bipartisan
Definition: We found one old sap from the other
party dying for one last shot at relevance who will add his name to our highly
partisan effort.
Dodd-Frank
Definition: A verb, to “Dodd-Frank” something is
to use the perpetrators of a major crime to fix things for next time. Like
taking ex-computer hackers and putting them in charge of your security (this
example is not perfect as this might actually work). Used in a sentence: “We
really Dodd-Franked that financial reform.”
See also “Searching for the real killers.”
Right Wing Extremist
Definition: Someone objecting in any way to left
wing extremism.
Conservative
Definition: Moron
Liberal
Definition: A word that when applied to yourself
conveys an instant halo of goodness that does not have to be justified with
actions, logic, or even the slightest examination of what the policies you
support have wrought. Works particularly well for rich hypocrites (Wall Street)
and rich morons (Hollywood).
Progressive
Definition: A rebranding of “liberal”
post-Dukakis, going back to an older word, that means essentially the same
thing, but contains the very positive word “progress” within it, and the always
welcome “ive” ending.
Libertarian
Definition: A philosophy held by annoying bastards
who happen to be right about nearly everything. Fortunately, due to the
frustration that comes with being right about nearly everything, in a world
wrong about those same things, there are only 19 of them, and we’re going to
find the bastards soon.
The Party of No
Definition: Legislators who are rightly demonized
by the press and progressives for being elected to bring down the size of
government and then actually trying to do so. Sons of bitches.
Synonyms: Obstructionists, Do-nothing Congress
The Buck Stops There
Definition: Something Barack Obama says about
George W. Bush.
Foreign Policy
Definition: A process where the USA makes amends
to the rest of the world for being more successful than them, footing many of
their bills, and shedding our blood to keep them safer and freer.
Due Process
Definition: Something progressives get misty over
when Henry Fonda is being denied it on the silver screen and when in power they
deliver at the end of an explosive drone after Judge David Axelrod pronounces
the target guilty.
Climate
Definition: A non-linear chaotic system that is a
near-perfect example of something that is very very difficult, even using modern
methods, to explain or forecast. This in no way takes away from the possible
reasonableness of man-made climate change described below. Though, one might
note, we get frustrated by weathermen as they can’t forecast the climate
today.
Global Warming
Definition: What we now call “climate change”.
Global warming was phased out as it also leads to things being too cold, and
sometimes being just right. Mama Bear has been replaced with a highly volatile
mix of all three bears.
Climate Change
Definition: The fact that over time the climate,
uh, changes.
Man-Made Climate Change
Definition: The entirely reasonable idea that
seven billion industrialized humans may be affecting the climate.
Krypton Seven Seconds Before Kal-El Was Launched Into Space
Definition: The stage liberals are certain the
Earth is at.
Jor-El
Definition: Both a character once played by Marlon
Brando and coincidentally the fictional character Al Gore pictures himself as.
Nobody listened to Jor-El and look what happened! A fascinating additional
coincidence is that when Brando was alive, Marlon and Al alone actually omitted
¼ of the USA’s greenhouse gases.
Infinity
Definition: The amount progressives will spend to
combat man-made climate change without any assessment of the costs and benefits
of these actions.
The Green Agenda
Definition: The additional use of man-made climate
change, even if it’s fully true and it makes economic sense to sacrifice to
fight it, to have government and its anointed priests take over much more of our
lives. Any questioning of it is absolute proof of evil. Children must be
indoctrinated in it in grade school before reading or writing or arithmetic.
They must then be sent to spy on and lecture their parents.
Resistance is futile.
Ronald Reagan Definition: Right wing extremist
President who kicked people off welfare which progressives said would be a
holocaust, radically broadened free trade which progressives say has since
killed American manufacturing, and whose administration perpetuated the horrible
banking deregulation progressives say brought on the financial crisis.
Bill Clinton
Definition: The guy who actually did those things
right above (though Reagan did some other cool
things). Oddly today’s Democrats insist that it’s Republicans who’ve changed and gotten “way more extreme” since the 1990s.
things). Oddly today’s Democrats insist that it’s Republicans who’ve changed and gotten “way more extreme” since the 1990s.
Trickle Down Economics
Definition: A brilliant marketing phrase for
denigrating the truth: that a freer economy helps everyone. Not to be confused
with “trickle up poverty” a perfect definition of socialism.
Democracy
Definition: An excellent form of government where
if you can cobble together 51% of the people, by promising them other people’s
stuff, or scaring them that you’ll take away their stuff, you can rule as a
dictator. It is decidedly not the form of government originally chosen by the
United States of America, which is a constitutional republic with limited
government. Thankfully we’ve mostly done away with that nonsense.
Socialism
Definition: A word that is a hate crime if used
about an American politician who wants us to be more like Europe. Or,
alternatively, a word used by many European politicians to define
themselves.
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